Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Jangan terlalu ikut perasaan


Salam kepada seluruh penduduk Bumi! (acah raksasa)
Haha mood elok sikit sebab tengah hujan, lepastu baru lepas drive. Tak tahulah but aku rasa macam aahh.... kalau drive dalam hujan. rasa macam entah rasa lega camtu rasa macam kentut kau tahan tiga minggu akhirnya akur untuk menonjolkan dirinya. Tapi tadi jalan takde ah teroxx sangat jam tu best, aku ni jenis rabun malam so bila hujan tu entah nampak entah tidak tapi still, drive dalam hujan best!

Jangan terlalu ikut perasaan!
Entri kali ni lebih kepada, pengawalan emosi ye anak-anak. Normal kalau dalam sehari tu ada je benda yang buat kita rasa tak senang, sebab kita semua ada perasaan. Lainlah kalau emotionless, bosan hidup gitu huhuhu. Kadang tu kita tengah duduk tenang tenang dengar lagu, tengok drama, secara tiba tiba tanpa diduga mak kau suruh kau keluar beli santan dengan suara yang memang sangat memerlukan santan! situasi menjadi tegang apabila kau membalas "alaah mak ni haish.." lepastu mak kau pun kata "copeklah ha! kang hangit ayam tu!". Ada dua pilihan, sama ada kau pergi beli atau tak. Katakan kau pergi beli, kau tetap gak dengan mulut tu nak ngomel sana ngomel sini hahahaha. kalau kau tak nak pergi beli, sama ada kau akan diam je buat tak dengar je atau pun kau melawan. jangan, jangan dilawan, jangan nak ngomel kuat kuat sebab apa, sebab kau tu macamlah selama ni function sangat kan sampai baru disuruh sikit dah acah primadona tengah panas bising sana bising sini ergh. Fikir, sebelum kita lafazkan any words, fikir apa akan jadi kalau kita cakap macam ni, apa jadi kalau cakap macam tu. Sebab apa, sebab menyesal tu ialah satu perasaan yang bagi aku memang untuk orang yang tamak tapi rugi ah, macam aku. dan semua. kenapa tercetusnya perasaan menyesal ni, tak lain sebab dari rasa tamak dan ego yang menggelegak-legak dalam halaman hati diri sendiri yang hanya mementingkan diri semata-mata.

Contoh, rasa tamak ni bukan bila takat makan je, contohnya macam tadi tulah. kau refuse apa yang mak kau suruh sebab kau dah khayal dah syok sangat tengok mv takpun anime, ataupun kau memang tengah malas gila. Malas tapi tak buat apa mak suruh pun dikira tamak gak, tamakkan kesenangan. kau nak kau je senang, padahal mak kau berkeringat masak tu ha, untuk bagi kau kenyang jugak. pls jangan selfish bila dengan family, takyah nak berkira sangat, dengan siapa lagi kau nak curahkan kasih sayang dan bakti kau, setakat beli santan je pun. Sebelum nak lawan apa mak cakap tu, ingatlah yang lidah tiga inci boleh membunuh manusia tinggi enam inci. Ngomel-ngomel tu biasalah, tapi kawallah, diam je, walau malas macam mana pun, walau geram, walau penat, walau marah macam mana sekali pun, diam je. Apalah sakit pendam rasa geram tu compare dengan sakit nak keluarkan kau dari perut, bela kau, cari duit nak bagi kau sedap nyonyot susu.


Berdiam itu lebih baik!
Ayat ni mungkin klise dan bila kau baca pun kau mungkin tak ada rasa apa apa. Selalu kan dengar orang kata "better keep then tell" tak pun "if you tell how do you feel no one would really care" takpun tweet yang saing saing gitu la. Sebenarnya point dia, bukan orang tu tak kisah ke apa, kadang benda kita luah tu, kita tak sedar yang orang tu pun terluka sebab dengar benda kita luah tu. Contoh, kau luah kat orang tu kau rasa macam dipergunakan lah kau ni dicari bila time susah lah apa lah bla bla bla weh kau sedar tak amende kau buat? Kau sesuka tuli je cakap, kau pikir tak orang tu rasa macam mana? Lepastu kau expect a response, takpun kau expect orang tu akan apologize, memang tak ah. Ingat pls, semua benda berlaku ada sebab. Memanglah kau pun rasa sakit sebab rasa macam kena ignore neglected semua, but tak bermakna kau boleh hempas pam! centu je dekat orang tu. katakan kau dah cakap benda benda kau geram semua, okay then now what? kau expect orang tu akan rapat dengan kau balik lalu kalian pun menjalani kisah bahagia bersama-sama like wth? Even if it did happen, the feelings would never be the same. Apa main point aku kat sini, meluahkan dekat orang tu bukanlah cara yang bernas dan bijak, tapi nampak macam desperate sikit ah. Boleh kalau kau nak luahkan but pls not in an emotional way, or not with tears and hingus pls. Dalam masa gelak-gelak gurau-gurau tu ha apa lagi kau baling ah satu! "Hahahahha yelah aku pun sekarang gi kebun jalan sorang je" walaupun nampak macam tak masuk kan, tapi benda tak masuk ni orang akan ingat tau, sebab statement kau tu macam takde kena mengena. Lepastu dia akan pikir tau tau tau. dia akan pikir pikir pikir dan dia akan paham gak. Kalau tak jadi jugak! kau ws dia "rindu" gitu ha konpom dapat maki sekali hahaha maki tu kan tanda sayang lol. Takpun jadi macam aku, tulis je segala kat blog, lepastu bukak tumblr reblog gambar gambar  hahhaha. After all, jalan yang paling tough and what most people with high-level-sabr do is, diam. Sebab dia tahu yang Allah tahu apa dia rasa. dan apa dia rasa tu pun dia tahu Allah yang bagi. mungkin sebab sebelum sebelum ni kita pun ada gak ignore kengkawan tapi kita tak sedar sebab kawan tu pun diam je. Even some may say that communication won't pop out that way, but you know the best. Lain orang lain cara dia handle kan. Cuma ingatlah kuasa Allah tu tiada tandingannya.

Sacrifice yourself. selalu kan dengar "pelangi muncul selepas hujan lebat" hm teringat drive dalam hujan tadi lol kay. Tak salah pendam and doa, sebab bila kita pendam tu, rasa sakit kan. tapi bila sekali bahagia tu datang peh masyaAllah rasa berbaloi rasa bersyukur sangat kau berada dalam situasi sakitnya pendam rasa sebelum tu. Saat bahagia tu datang, sambutlah dengan sederhana, sebab duka pasti tiba selepas bahagia. so takyah nak over sangat. takde benda yang kekal. nothing lasts forever gitu. Aku ni pun kadang memang tersetan sana sini tapi normal lah kan, semua macam tu, kadang bila suka sangat ha bantai nasi 3 pinggan gunung kinabalu. hahahaha tapi lepastu istighfar lah, cepatlah sedar balik yang bahagia tu pun tak kekal lama. Kita sama-sama ubah diri jadi lagi baik ye hm ustard ustard angat.

Aku cuma share pandangan aku or apa yang aku rasa, if kau rasa kau ada pendapat lain komen je takdehal lah 8)

Di sini ada hadis sikit tentang sabar;

Kesabaran merupakan anugerah Allah yang paling baik. Rasulullah mengatakan, “…dan tidaklah seseorang itu diberi sesuatu yang lebih baik dan lebih lapang daripada kesabaran.”
[Hadis Riwayat Bukhari dan Muslim]

Rasulullah SAW menggambarkan dalam sebuah hadisnya; Daripada Abu Hurairah ra. bahawa Rasulullah SAW pernah bersabda; “Tidaklah seorang muslim mendapatkan kelelahan, sakit, kecemasan, kesedihan, bahaya dan juga kesusahan, hingga duri yang menusuknya, melainkan Allah akan menghapuskan dosa-dosanya dengan hal tersebut”.
[Hadis Riwayat Bukhari & Muslim]

Sungguh menakjubkan perkara orang yang beriman, kerana segala perkaranya adalah baik. Jika ia mendapatkan kenikmatan, ia bersyukur kerana (ia mengatahui) bahawa hal tersebut adalah memang baik baginya. Dan jika ia tertimpa musibah atau kesulitan, ia bersabar kerana (ia mengetahui) bahawa hal tersebut adalah baik baginya.
[Hadis Riwayat Muslim]

Source

P/S: Result final haritu dah keluar grr sem depan nak study awal! (mungkin pembohongan)
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Tuesday, September 06, 2016

When you prioritize others

Assalamualaikum.
Well for sure, this one gonna be another emotional post from lost-souled man. I'm not ask for more, just why did people change? I didn't ask for it and perhaps, so do you. How can you just forget all the memories we had, while those things you did with others are still fresh in your mind. Is it fair? when i'm the one who prioritize you. and you do know that. and even i TOLD YOU AND YOU KNOW IT TOOK GUTS TO DO THAT. why..

we were so close. so close till we still can go walk for hours without talking, and feels no awkward at all. and no gap. and everything was just fine. i have to admit i miss those. the old you. the old us. i know, for now, i can do nothing and i can't change anything. you seem so comfort with another person, and i can't stop that, right? because who am i.. to grab your attention and make it all mine. while you gained all from mine. i tried not to think about this, like every single day.  but no, being me is just, so complicated.

please remember that i was the one who you relied on, who you tell ALL your stories, the one who you will search for when you need something, the one who you will laugh with when you read our conversaition, the one who you really cared once... this is tough, just tough. i can't. because i'm still there, at those times when everything's fine. PLS DO REALISE ALL THOSE MEMORIES AND THINGS WE DID,  MY TRULY WISH. and you seem prioritize others rather than me. well that hurts but what can i do then? i can't...

bring back the old me. bring back the memories. bring back the time... i wish

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Monday, August 08, 2016

They say time will heal ya

Assalamualaikum.

i've always wanted to tell everything, and exactly on how do i really feel inside. but, one thing that i'm really sure is, it's impossible. Why? because there is no word that could exactly describe how do you feel. i've been through a lot. and same goes to everyone. but for a person who is weak and stick in the mud like me, life's rough. even we do have words to tell how do we really feel, it's still, impossible. because we can't! we don't have the guts to say those words. we are afraid. afraid of any consequences that we'll get from that person. why the one who you prioritizes, can't treat you the same way? i mean, yea, i can't force people to take care of me etc. but. to face the fact that the one who we prioritize, is priotizing others more than you. you know how it feels to be needed, right. i just missed old times. where there's only us and no hard feelings and no 'anasir' who wants to join us. like hey, i'm an introvert. i rather work in very small group of 3 or 4, or i'll work alone. my life's here? as long i still have that one bestfriend who would never give up on me, i'll be okay. eventhough, it's hard, to know that, i'm not the priority of my priority. why? am i not deserving all that..

no pictures in this post since i'm using my phone to write this. sigh. i just, why, you know exactly how hurt it is, seeing the one who you prioritize, prioritizes others more.. it's just, unfair. i've been holding my horses, holding my grudge, for a lot of time, and for so long, but in the end i always have a think, 'does it really worth?' so i'm trying to tell and explain INDIRECTLY but idk it's getting more tiring since i tried so hard. i shouldn't even have to try hard to keep you, bcs, if you do need me you'll come. but turns out, i'm the pathetic. i'm the one who is needing instead of needed. so ppl don't really care if i go, or if i walk away because it will not change anything. i'm trying to be nice to everyone, includes to those who i really hate. turns out im hating them even more. im seriously dont know how this life works. if FAIR does exists, why am i always be the one who needs to back off? can't i have a happy great life ahead? i can't.. i don't want to lose ppl who i had so much times with, anymore..... it cuts the veins that enclosed the heart of mine. it hurts.

sometimes i might lose control but idk seeing you having fun while i'm in blue, seeing you choose others rather than me, noticing that you're more excited talking with others (including the ones i hate) rather than me.. it's just painful. like how can i stay fine if i have to face those EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY?! i'm a pathetic.

and time will not heal ya. it all back to yourself. if you want, you'll make a way to do it. if i'm important, you'll make a time for me. you'll look upon me first rather than others. u have no idea what's inside my head. i told you, i SEE everything. i'm out..
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Monday, May 23, 2016

"Loner!", Miss D (again)

Assalamualaikum.
Nak payung satu post from akak blogger feveret ni, related bangett.
Still takleh move on dengan vocab & english dia yang bergetar tulang peha baca.

Loner!
When people call me a loner with a negative connotation in their voice, I just smirk.
I was one of them too once. It's scary to not be seen with a pack. People jump to conclusions but most of it is: "that's just sad". Person eating alone? Sad. Going out alone? Pathetic. It's because no one wants to hang out with them. Bla bla bla.

And then I realised semua benda ni is their internal insecurities being imposed upon others. You are the one who's scared to be seen out alone, to go have a nice lunch by yourself, to enjoy a movie with no one else.YOU are the one who is insecure with doing anything on your own. Who's the coward, actually?So, get your head checked before you judge a person by saying "loner!" negatively.

Some of y'all can't even function if you don't have friends there. That is pathetic. And when people joke about the "lone wolf" thing and tease. OH MY GOD. I get so enraged. Don't use that analogy please, you rile me up and make me want to punch you in the face. I hate bullying. I fucking hate it.

The thing is, fair enough that some people love being with their friends and some prefer being alone. Tu je. It's a matter of preference and choice. The thing that disgusts me the most is when you feel the need to shame others just because they do things differently than how you would. So kau tak payah nak judge loners and introverts for being the way they are. They have the strength and inward focus to enjoy their lives without necessarily needing the presence of others all the time.

Setting time aside to do things on your own? I would recommend this 100%. Kalau kau insecure, it's okay, you'll get through this. But here's why I think it's a problem: you're not even comfortable enough to be in your own skin for an hour. Some can't even sit still in their room without feeling uncomfortable or bored of their own presence. Fair enough, sometimes memang boring pun duduk dalam bilik tak buat apa-apa. But sampai you feel uncomfortable to be left alone with your own thoughts? – That's when you know you have a problem.

Realise and reassess the fact that you can't even enjoy your own company.
You don't even want to hangout with yourself. What the fuck?
Do you even realise how messed up that is that you're not comfortable to be in your own skin?

No, I'm not lumping every person who is not a lone wolf together. This post specifically targets jackasses who think they are better than others and those who love to judge others who enjoy doing things on your own. I get that sometimes you may feel sorry for an old man in the restaurant having dinner on his own. But that's different. Whenever I feel sad for strangers like that it's because I envisioned their spouse to have left them for a better place or something like that. Or sometimes you can just feel their sadness from the next table. Maybe they just got dumped, or maybe they're just tired and had another rough day after a string rough days. Senang cerita: mind your own bloody business and don't jump to conclusions about why people are out alone, okay?

I'm saying this is for the people who make fun of others whereas those people being made fun of are the brave ones doing whatever it is that they themselves are too scared to do.

So yes. I smirk. Check yourself before you decide to talk smack about other people's lives.

And yeah, it took a lot of self-reflection for me to realise that it is okay to do things on your own.

On a side note: I really don't want to be the people that I hate. I don't want to be a judgy jerk. I don't want to act all holier-than-thou as If I'm a saint that has done it all. I don't want to be hurtful to others just because they do things differently than the way I do. I realise I am no angel and I don't pretend to be one. But.. I'm still trying too. Always trying. To be more kind and compassionate, to be more loving. To be at peace with myself first and foremost and consequently, be at peace with others.

And if you've at least realised the work that needs to be done now, that's when you know you can make a start and change towards being better. Know that it is never too late to be what you might have been.

Here's a really good article on this and I suggest you read it whether you're the loner being teased or you're the good-for-nothing oppressor that makes fun of people who do things alone:
The Stigma of Being Alone

“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.” – Diane Von Furstenberg

So yeah, don't feel bad if you're a lone wolf. Don't feel bad for me because I do things alone.
Don't feel bad if you are a jerk who judges lone wolves. Jk, do feel bad and I hope you choke on it lol. But seriously though, if you've read this and decided to change the way you think, then good for you. People may be different than you but that doesn't necessarily mean that either is bad. If you realise you're a jerk, it's not too late to change. Haha.
All in all, be yourself but always strive to be the best version of this self, and don't be an ass to others.
Take care.
A worth reading post, worth visit blog. Kalau tak jelas tekan title Loner! tu. Or click HERE.
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Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Tremor on me

Assalamualaikum.

I tried to escape from everything. Well still there's a tiny line between escape and run. I didn't run, i just, try to escape. I drag myself into thing i've never done before like exercising (dafaq?), stick to my phone, play online games, and express everything on social media. Once i've been said as social awkward guy, like i'm different, i don't know how to mix around and blend in with people. in fact, i can't stand in a really crowded full of scream environment. plus, i really sucks in making conversation or keep the conversation going so that's why i didn't feel weird when someone says 'you're boring' because ya i feel the same exact way. I don't know how to change me but being me is like i guess could be a disaster to anyone.. even i felt that often.


Days by days i slowly could think that maybe i should stop overthink everything and just go with the flow. if people really want to stay, they will. If don't then that's it, you're lonely. Maybe it was me, i trust people too much till i broke and no one's ever willing to lend a hand. well that's fine by me because looking back and seeing the journey of my life, phew, i'm so used to it. But ya, everyone's have their own past.. just never bring it up to win over arguments or discussion. It's an embarrassment. Whatever it is, i'm always here, if you need someone to lend a hand, text me. If you need a shoulder to cry on, call me, bro. Have a nice day amigo!
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Monday, March 21, 2016

Dramatic irony

Assalamualaikum.

So recently, i woke up and had this question asked by one of my friend, 

"is it true that we dont need anyone else to help us bcs everyone is so selfish in saving themselves?". 

Like, after you woke up and have that kind of question to be answered, i can't even think what day is today so how could i answer that, so it left hang without blueticks muehehehehe. But here, i, most probably would say yes, because look, the only person that you can depend on is you. Right. Back then i was so fucked up in secondary school, when i first know what's the real depression is, i broke. I'm that kind of person who is really not good in handling emotions. I can change from a fluffy cat to a feral lion. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe it's because, i gave too much hoot, geez. Care is a special attention or effort made to avoid damage, risk or error (source: my thesaurus) but hey, by caring of someone means, u're preparing a damage to yourself. 

Luckily i'm in my very fluffy (hungry) cat mood hahahaha well actually it's not really nice to assume ppl are 'selfish'. Maybe they're too ego to lend a hand when actually they cared about you but they chose not to show. Look if you're playing the 'i do care about ya but i just don't show 'em' game, with one side show the other side don't then the other day that one side don't show the other show weh till when lah doh? main pass pass gitu kau pikir main futsal zz. Just, if you truly care about someone, show. Maybe not too much but at least enough for them to know. It supports them to live. Many commit suicide issues are because they expect that no one gives a fuck when actually there is, but just, they didn't show? pfft then orang dah mati baru kau nak menyesal. For people who can easily lost consideration and do anything to escape/satisfy themselves, it's a major thing to give them the attention. They just need attention. It's not in the term of capub, but they need someone who cares, and gives a fuck about them. I'm saying this because i know that feels when you're lonely and u feel like no one cares and the only person you can think of is your parents just to make your heart calms but facing the society with those handsome/clever guy getting much attention from his friends is not easy. It's the society who kills ya. Even the person you thought you really can rely on, left. That is why in the end, u're the real survivor for survival. Well a fat guy will always be treated like he is disgusting and yekk, i know that feels. I see everything. And i know. It's always us to search/come to people first, unless if they need help from us. 


I'm tired. Well yes, sometimes you have to put yourself first, but.. I don't know, i have a major problem whic i can't decide which is my priority and which should be the low priority, To me, everything is priority, everything deserve to have the attention (exception for homework). So that's why i care about everything till i kill myself. hahahaha everyone is busy with 'love yourself' but instead, i kill myself. I'm just really tired and hackneyed about this bullshit. When you put someone on top of the list but he/she doesn't put ya on the same spot, how would you react? you gotta be broke right, you felt nondescript, so show to ppl that you care and till we meet again, salam.    
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Tuesday, March 01, 2016

Nukilan 1

Assalamualaikum.

Apa diperlu, cuba dibantu
akan dia mahupun sesiapa
belum sedari, kehadirannya penuh makna
dia tidak mengungkit, apatah lagi meminta minta
dia cuma diam dan semuanya ada di peti itu.

hidup kecilnya bukanlah indah
nian ceritanya lucu belaka, namun itu semua luahannya
melihat dia seakan semuanya bahagia padanya
hakikat itu dia tahu, semuanya ada di peti itu.

sungguh dia mengerti kini erti hidup sebenar di dunia
walau dia tiada sama dengan yang lain, dia cuba
peti itu semakin sarat dan dia tiada mampu
mungkin saat itu dia sedar, sebelumnya hidupnya hidup orang
kala dia cuba memikir, apa kurangnya dia
embun malam membasahi lalang gelap
semuanya masih tersimpan kemas, semuanya ada di peti itu.

detik ini, dia menyedari homo sapiens ini bernafsu
memilih dan melihat, sesuatu yang mendatang untungan
akan begitu dia tiada cara menempuh semuanya
dia terus cari benda yang pasti
lalu dicalit nukilan ini.

➡ andai waktu kecil, hatinya murni membantu orang, tatkala besar dilihat dunia suka menggunakannya, masihkah hatinya murni lagi?

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Begin Again, Miss D.

Assalamualaikum, basically 2015 is a major shut down, where A LOT of things happened and i'm not sure how to tell each of 'em and i'm pretty sure i won't tell it here haha. No post in 2015 and now let's begin with 2016. i'm attracted with my senior's post on her blog, which i really adore her bcs of her perfection in English. and not to mention, her wise words. so here's a reblog from one of her post.

from Miss D,


Begin again
May God bless us all :)
Here I am once again, still having so many things to say with absolutely nowhere to express - not entirely anyway. Too afraid. Of what?

On Twitter, FB, Instagram.. I'm constantly stopping myself from being 100% me. I'm too afraid of being judged and honestly? I have no idea why I worry so much. I hate it and it consumes me.

I've grown to be an even more self-conscious person and am highly critical of myself. Some days when I do realise just how hard I've been on myself because no one else is really *there* for me.. I swear it hits my like a bullet and it makes me even more sad.

I do love myself and I really want to. Or at least I'd like to. The idea of reliance / dependence on another human being in the form of creating a bf /gf relationship has vanished or even better yet, has never existed on my list of things that burdens my conscience. I don't know.. What more with the romanticised images and stories online that I come across almost every freaking day. I do believe in true love & fairy tales (damn you, Disney) but I believe you should be whole as yourself, your own being - without having to be defined by another. You need to be 'complete' and in touch with *you*. I'd say I've grown skeptical (or realistic?)

Yes, having relationships will soon be a need especially when you reach an age where you will be pressured to start searching anyway. And of course as a basic human need (ref: Maslow's hierarchy of needs) but honestly? Don't be hanging on to one person till you'd think you'd 'die' without them. Like you can't survive another day if they're gone. As awfully romantic and corny as it seems (and how I probably was before), you have just got to suck it up & move on. Skeptical as ever as I seem now (haha) also because I've seen it in my friends' relationships - it can be potentially dangerous. Emotional blackmail & toxic relationships ensue, sprouting from intense co-dependency. I literally want to grab these people by their shoulders and scream 'wake the fuck up!' because they're too blinded by love to realise.

Anyway, HOW DID I GET HERE. I was just talking about how I'm too self conscious. Ugh. Let's just summarise what I was trying to post in the beginning: overthink --> sad --> spiral of self-hatred. End.


And boy, would I love for that to stop. Slowly, I hope so. Anyway, one should be comfortable enough to be by themselves - you've got to learn to love your own company :)

Did I go off topic real quick or what huh? haha. (Hint: this is a preview of how I will write and probably how I speak to others in real life) Maybe I shall open up this thing where people can suggest what I should write about in the future :)


Love,
D.

will update more soon, have a nice day everyone :)  .fad